Today, I began reading some of Nancy Van Pelt´s books. She is one of my most favorite writers in this time other than Jane Audrey, Jane Eyre, John Grisham, Mark Twain and Nicolas Sparks. I have missed these books so much that I have forgotten to clean them for I am quite preoccupied on law books that I have already ignored my other favorite books especially when I was still in College. I personally love my minute collections of legal and non -legal fiction books. So this day, I revisited my book shelves containing these collections and began reminiscing those moments in my College life.
So out of boredom, I began re-reading Nancy´s book about ¨The Complete Courtship¨. I remembered those days when I had to rely to it every time a guy pursues me. I would read this book and figure out if that guy has a good intention or maybe he is just fooling around. It served as my guideline when talk shifts to courtships and those sorts of stuffs. Although I still would not accept such proposal from any of my suitors that time because ¨bawal pa¨ & I am not that ready to commit per se.
The book was my best-friend when I was a bit innocent on certain things such as differentiating a person who feels love from that of a person who is infatuated of someone. Of course every human being undergo the same process. We have so many questions especially when one is very inquisitive on matters relating to the human emotion. Although I would not dare say I am that of an expert already because now that I am turning 22 I am still having a lot of queries in that field. I could not even perfect the Love Test from Nancy´s book even if three years have already passed by. Haha. But I am thankful that I bumped into it on this very day because I think it has helped me re-evaluate this unexplainable insanity about a certain dude that I've come to like. *blushing*
I thought I was confident enough to say that I am already emotionally matured to tell for sure if this is real or not. Maybe because I was caught off guard and felt surprised the very first time that that person professed his feelings for someone like me. It was astonishing! I thought my heart stopped for a second. I did not expect something like that would come from his very mouth. I think the moment I heard him said that and when I looked at his magnetizing eyes he showed a marked adoration towards me. It's amazing how a guy actually opens his heart with his outpouring admiration for someone just like me. Obviously he was not so subtle about his attraction to me. Although my brain tells me that probably it was just a spoof.
But then again, all I know for sure was that he was in his sober disposition to say that to me. That he was not drunk and he was 1000 percent in his normal mental condition. And according to the feedback's that I have received from people close to both of us that he has this amiable personality, religious, with a thoroughly good heart and quite the shy type. That he was an exceedingly agreeable man and that most people think of him highly, that is what my female friends told me. Thus I assume he was perfectly in his normal thinking capacity to utter such a confession the fact that he does not like to drink and that he was the formal type.
So practically, all the while I was like psycho-babbling to myself. I was like having an internal rift between my heart and my brain. Logic versus emotion. That I was facing a riddle I should solve which only exists in my mind. Other than that, our common friends has this gut-feeling that he was serious about it. But the critical thinker that I am, at first I trusted my instincts that probably this person although he may look like the formal type but I am still doubtful to such a revelation. I do not really know much about him. We do not have that degree of acquaintance like "super close" friends do. That is the reason why I couldn't be so certain of such act that made me conclude that which was said was something real.
However my friends do not share the same notion as I did. To them, they have this theory and they firmly believe that what was being uttered by that person at that very day was true. They said that it was not in his personality to do that certain act nor to make a ridiculous joke that involves matters of the heart. It was weird because I never thought about him in a romantic way even for a single moment. It was like to me he was worth not noticing. Maybe because I was so preoccupied that I did not let my heart fall for some guy. That I am scared that I have built walls to protect myself from getting hurt. This made me think I shouldn't be involved with someone. Not now.
Before this happened to me, I have no idea or don't really give a damn about who he is, what he likes, where his whereabouts are and stuffs like that. It's like I have never even felt his presence despite the fact that we have a lot of similarities when it comes to the organizations that we are in. I haven´t had any clue at all as to how he feels about me were if not for his public confession.
But then again, to me even if that certain confession was real or not, I was so touched. I guess every girl would be shocked and feel overwhelmed to such a confession especially when it is their first time to experience it. He has definitely created sensations which my heart has never known before. He has caused traffic in my head because right then and there, my heart fell & I kept thinking about him. He is now stuck in my thoughts. Because of that brave attempt of confessing his feelings for me, I was moved. I was in awe because no one has ever done that to me.
I suppose the guys who also belong to the same organization that we are in are intimidated or thinks that I am a very serious person and someone not to be messed with. That is why all the more it has given me reason to believe that somehow, if it was true, that he was so sweet and bold to express such sentiments, I could probably open my heart to him. I was confused of what I felt and scared at the same time. I did not understood what was happening to me back then. I never experienced that kind of feeling before. It was far different than the previous ¨kilig¨ moments I've had with guys that I am secretly interested at. But I guess it's time to wake up!
As days went by, I realized that what I felt was just a matter of infatuation. And when I read Nancy's book I came to my senses that I was foolish. Now, I get the general picture of a person who is in-love and who is just a victim of infatuation. I think reading the book would save me from many heartaches now that I know something about it. Out of the beautiful & tragic mysteries of life, love & feeling in-love is some of the mind-boggling things that every human being experiences. But it was also stated in the book that "sometimes infatuation grows into real love, but if you move too fast in either direction you will never know for sure.." So, I think it be best that I go with the flow. That I should relax and enjoy the mysteries of finding love and being found by it while not rushing into things. Maybe for now, I should focus on one thing: finish law school. It be way better if I stay single because law school is already giving me a hell of a headache and it becomes even worst if I dwell into committing relationships. What with all the dramas when it comes to that I think loving myself first and doing something for me should be prioritized first on the list. I better have my heart guarded well and check my feelings against the realities of life. Love will come to me in the right time. It is true that "God has made everything beautiful in its time." (Ecclesiastes 3:11)
For now, I have to set my goals. Life is full of natural and definitely spontaneous occurrences.I should let things flow naturally as it is. Everything is in motion and so I should go with the flow but have to stick to my plans.
Thus, my favorite Indian quote "Anuugacchati Pravaha".. :)
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