My Lighthouse

Today I found an old book that my father used to read, his most favorite book of all time. Perhaps this is the greatest gift I have ever received on my 21^st birthday. Being able to discover one of my father’s most treasured things gave me the chance to reminisce and to read his thoughts when he was still alive. It was like his diary, a book that has different stories to read each day wherein attached are some biblical passages that are very useful for a human’s daily meditation or reflection. Although it looked so old and frayed but the minute I've read the first page, eventually it captivated my heart & I have come to love it like how my father valued it so much.

Flashbacks of old memories came rushing into my mind and then out of the blue I remembered my father sitting on his favorite bamboo-made chair and seeing the touch of the wind on his wrinkled face while drinking coffee and reading this book (aside from the Bible of course). He would explain to me a lot of things of what life is and will be. We talked and shared moments of intelligent and funny conversations ranging from his experience as a traveler, his life as a student, the people he met, our plans for my future, and of course their love story of Mama. I missed those times I had spent with my father; I missed hearing his very deep voice, how he smiles, the smell of his pomade and most especially how I missed hearing him sing to me about his favorite song “Ang Gitara Ko nga Gamay” (My Small Guitar) whenever he puts me to sleep. I missed his cooking, his facial expression whenever he gets mad, of how he’d asked for me to buy his favorite blackening shampoo, or how I always call for his help whenever my lights won’t work or when I wanted to have him made me certain furniture. He was really good in carpentry though. But what I miss the most is when he embraced me so tight for the last moments of his life.

Strangely enough, a tear fell from my eye when I thought I just heard my father called my name today and gently whispered “Happy Birthday Gang!” I missed that a lot. His warm hug, and of how he just makes an ordinary day very special for me. It’s been five months since he passed away; it is still hard to accept the fact that he’s really gone. Indeed, death is our most venomous enemy, robbing us of joy and hope. However, the biblical passage encrypted on his coffin saying “To live is Christ, and to die is gain” made me thought that I am certain my father has already gone into a “far better place” than the life he had here on earth, it’s because I know he is now with Jesus, he is now in a place where there is comfort, no more fear, pain, tears, and death. He is surrounded to a place where there is perfect love and peace.

Amidst all the jungle trail of frustrations that I had for 21 years of living, his favorite book reminded me that this is the way life is.  Our road map is not always consistent with reality and although it may have been more wonderful if I had just celebrated my natal day together with my father, but I know it would be impossible. Even if I celebrate more birthdays to come, nothing will ever change. I just could not hug him or dance with him anymore. But then again, I know that we will meet soon. Whenever I think of my father, I see hope, love, good planning, perseverance and motivation. I am sure he would want me to celebrate it as though it is as if he is just around, guiding me always. Even though the pain is still fresh, in time I will learn to let go of it. God has made everything beautiful in its time. There will always be a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to grieve and a time to dance.

Now as I turned 21, thinking of how my father was able to work hard just so that I and my six siblings

would earn our own college degrees and kept us strong amidst bumpy, unpaved paths of the struggles in life; I am proud enough to say that whatever path I ought to travel, I know I would not wander aimlessly because he will forever be beside me. Because of him, I have thought of something to hope for and something I need as I age with wisdom and be directed with a sense of purpose.

 Even if I am on a perilous trek, where rough roads lie ahead and there is complete darkness - my father will always be my lighthouse that shines to me when I lose hope. An image of comfort and help.